When we talk about domestic violence, listen closely to where the conversation often goes.
We tell survivors:
Leave.
Make a safety plan.
Watch for the warning signs.
Document everything.
Protect your phone.
Change your passwords.
Find somewhere safe.
Get a protective order.
Don’t go back.
Don’t answer the messages.
Don’t meet them alone.
All of that advice can be important. Sometimes it can save a life.
But have we ever stopped to consider how much responsibility we place on the person who is already being hurt?
Where are our expectations for the person causing the harm?
Where is:
Stop threatening them.
Stop controlling them.
Stop hitting them.
Stop humiliating them.
Stop monitoring their phone.
Stop using the children against them.
Stop destroying property.
Stop blaming someone else for your behavior.
Get help.
Take responsibility.
Change.
Because domestic violence doesn’t end simply because we become better at teaching survivors how to escape it.
We also have to become better at confronting the behavior that creates the need to escape in the first place.
And accountability cannot mean simply saying:
“I’m sorry.”
Real accountability means recognizing the harm you’ve caused without blaming the person you harmed.
It means accepting consequences.
It means getting professional help when you need it.
It means changing behavior—not temporarily, not because you’re afraid they’re going to leave, but because abuse is a choice you no longer have the right to make.
And this conversation cannot belong to one gender.
Men can abuse women.
Women can abuse men.
Abuse can happen in LGBTQ+ relationships.
Children can live in homes where they see and experience its consequences.
The identity of the survivor doesn’t change the principle.
The person being abused is not responsible for teaching the person abusing them how to stop.
Survivors absolutely need resources, safety planning, advocacy, shelters, law enforcement, courts, family, friends and organizations willing to stand beside them.
But prevention requires something more.
Families have to stop making excuses for abusive behavior.
Friends have to stop covering for it.
Communities have to stop normalizing it.
Systems have to hold people accountable.
And people who recognize abusive behavior in themselves have to be encouraged—and expected—to seek help before someone gets hurt.
Research into domestic-violence intervention has similarly emphasized that accountability works best as a broader “web” involving legal systems, services, families and communities rather than leaving the survivor to carry that responsibility alone.
At RADV, we will always help survivors find the bridge to safety.
But maybe preventing domestic violence also requires us to stand at the other end of that bridge and say:
If you are hurting someone, the responsibility to change belongs to you.
Survivors deserve more than instructions for surviving abuse.
They deserve a world that expects people to stop abusing them.
We Are the Bridge.
Riders Against Domestic Violence
RADV.org