An RADV Australia Article
Not every abusive relationship leaves bruises you can see.
Sometimes the abuse looks like a password demanded.
A bank account controlled.
A phone constantly checked.
A friendship slowly taken away.
A partner deciding where you can go, what you can wear, who you can speak to, how money is spent, or when you need to explain where you have been.
One incident by itself might be dismissed as jealousy, concern, protectiveness, or simply a difficult relationship.
But when these behaviours become a pattern designed to take away another person’s freedom, independence and sense of self, we need to call it what it is:
Coercive control.
It Is the Pattern That Matters
Australia’s National Principles describe coercive control as a pattern of abusive behaviour over time that creates fear and denies a person’s liberty and autonomy.
It can involve physical violence, but it does not have to.
That distinction matters.
Someone experiencing coercive control may spend months or years believing, But they don’t hit me.
Meanwhile, their world becomes smaller.
They stop seeing certain friends because it causes an argument.
They change how they dress because it is easier than being accused of trying to attract attention.
They hand over passwords because refusing creates another confrontation.
They ask permission before spending money.
They carefully choose every word because they never know what might trigger the next accusation.
Eventually, a person may begin organising their entire life around avoiding another person’s reaction.
That isn’t freedom.
And it isn’t a healthy relationship.
What Coercive Control Can Look Like
Coercive control can include isolating someone from family and friends, monitoring their movements or technology, controlling finances, restricting access to food or medication, constant criticism and humiliation, sexual coercion, threats against children or loved ones, or preventing someone from practising their religion or culture.
The Australian Government also recognises that coercive control can continue after a relationship ends.
That is important because leaving does not necessarily end the controlling behaviour.
Sometimes separation changes the way control is exercised rather than stopping it.
“I Didn’t Realise It Was Abuse”
Those words matter.
Coercive control can develop gradually.
The first demand may seem small.
The first restriction may be explained as love.
The first accusation may be followed by an apology.
Then another boundary disappears.
And another.
Until one day the person looks around and realises they no longer recognise the life they are living—or themselves.
That is one reason awareness matters so much.
You do not have to wait for physical violence before taking controlling behaviour seriously.
Australia Is Taking Coercive Control Seriously
Australia has adopted National Principles to Address Coercive Control in Family and Domestic Violence, creating a shared national understanding of the behaviour and its impact.
However, laws and legal responses can differ between Australian states and territories. If you need legal information about your particular situation, seek advice appropriate to the jurisdiction where you live.
Australia also has a National Domestic Violence Order Scheme. Domestic Violence Orders issued in an Australian state or territory on or after 25 November 2017 are automatically recognised and enforceable throughout Australia.
If Someone Tells You This Is Happening
Listen.
Believe them.
Don’t immediately ask, “Why don’t you just leave?”
Instead ask:
“How can I help you feel safer?”
Leaving an abusive or controlling relationship can involve complicated safety, financial, housing, family and legal considerations.
A survivor needs support—not judgment.
To the Person Living Through It
Maybe nobody has hit you.
Maybe you’re still questioning whether what you’re experiencing is “bad enough” to ask for help.
Maybe you’ve been told you’re too sensitive, imagining things, causing the arguments, or making a big deal out of nothing.
But if another person’s behaviour has gradually taken away your ability to make your own choices, maintain relationships, control your own money, move freely, or simply feel safe being yourself, you deserve to take that seriously.
You deserve to talk to someone.
You deserve information.
You deserve choices.
And you deserve a life where love does not require surrendering your freedom.
You don’t have to cross the whole bridge today.
Sometimes the first mile is simply recognising what is happening.
Then reaching toward someone who can help.
You survived. You matter. You made it this far. Keep going. One mile at a time.
Support in Australia
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic, family or sexual violence, 1800RESPECT provides counselling, information and support 24 hours a day.
Call: 1800 737 732
If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
For information about coercive control and Australia’s National Principles, visit the Australian Government Attorney-General’s Department.
Riders Against Domestic Violence — Australia
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Helping survivors find the bridge toward help, hope and healing.
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