Technology should help us communicate, find information, manage our homes, and stay connected to the people we love. But in an abusive relationship, that same technology can become another way to monitor, intimidate, isolate, or control someone.
Electronic abuse is real abuse.
An abusive partner may know where you have been, read messages you thought were private, enter your online accounts, control connected devices in your home, or repeatedly appear in places they should not have known about. This does not mean you are imagining things, being careless, or doing something wrong.
It may mean technology is being used against you.
What electronic abuse can look like
Technology-facilitated abuse can include:
- Checking your phone, messages, email, or social-media accounts without permission
- Demanding passwords or access to your accounts
- Tracking your location through a phone, vehicle, shared account, smartwatch, wireless tag, or hidden GPS device
- Installing stalkerware or monitoring software
- Controlling security cameras, thermostats, locks, lights, speakers, or other smart-home devices
- Impersonating you online or creating fake accounts in your name
- Harassing you through repeated calls, messages, payment apps, or social media
- Threatening to release private photographs or videos
- Using shared family plans, cloud storage, calendars, or photo accounts to monitor your activity
- Watching your purchases, banking activity, rideshare trips, or search history
Electronic abuse is not always obvious. Sometimes the first warning is simply that the other person knows things you never told them.
Put your physical safety first
If you believe a device or account is being monitored, do not immediately delete an app, disable location sharing, change every password, or factory-reset the device.
Those actions may cause the abusive person to realize that access has been discovered. In some situations, that can lead to confrontation or escalation. The Federal Trade Commission recommends making a safety plan and, when possible, speaking with a domestic-violence advocate before removing suspected stalkerware or changing a monitored device. FTC stalkerware guidance
There is no single electronic-safety checklist that is right for every survivor. Your circumstances, your devices, your accounts, and the behavior of the person harming you all matter.
Trust what you are noticing.
Consider using a safer device
If possible, use a device the abusive person has never had access to when looking for help, making plans, changing important accounts, or speaking with an advocate. This might be a trusted friend’s phone, a workplace computer, or a device at a library or survivor-service organization.
Private or incognito browsing does not make activity completely invisible. Phone and computer use may still be monitored, and online activity can leave records in accounts, networks, or other connected devices. National Domestic Violence Hotline internet-safety guidance
If you obtain a new phone, avoid automatically connecting it to an old cloud account that may still be accessible to the abusive person. Also consider whether bringing the new device into a monitored home or vehicle could expose it.
Review accounts carefully
From a safer device, consider reviewing:
- Recovery email addresses and telephone numbers
- Devices currently signed into your accounts
- Location-sharing settings
- Shared cloud storage, photographs, calendars, and notes
- Family or household accounts
- Social-media privacy settings
- Banking and payment-app access
- Mobile-phone plan permissions
- Connected cars, cameras, doorbells, locks, and smart-home systems
Use unique passwords that the abusive person cannot easily guess. If it is safe to do so, enable multifactor authentication and direct verification codes to an email address or device that only you control.
Remember that changing account access can sometimes send alerts to other users. Make changes as part of a safety plan—not simply because someone told you to “change your password.”
Location can be shared in many ways
Location information may come from more than a phone. Vehicles, mapping applications, photographs, wireless tags, social-media posts, fitness trackers, rideshare accounts, and shared family services may reveal where someone is or where they have been.
Friends and relatives can help by not tagging you, posting photographs of you, checking you into locations, or sharing your plans without permission.
If someone repeatedly finds you despite your precautions, document what is happening and speak with a qualified advocate about safely checking your devices, belongings, and vehicle.
Preserve evidence before making changes
Threatening messages, unwanted contact, account alerts, photographs, call logs, and evidence of tracking may become important later.
Before deleting anything, consider safely preserving:
- Screenshots that include dates, times, usernames, and telephone numbers
- Voicemails and emails
- A written log of incidents
- Photographs of suspected trackers or damaged devices
- Account-login notifications
- Police reports, protection orders, and related case numbers
Store copies somewhere the abusive person cannot access. An advocate or attorney can help you consider what information may be useful and how to preserve it safely. The Safety Net Project’s survivor resources include technology-safety planning and documentation guidance.
Do not place yourself in danger to collect evidence. Your safety matters more than capturing one more message or photograph.
You are not to blame
Survivors are sometimes told they should have protected their passwords better, checked their settings, or recognized the surveillance sooner.
The responsibility belongs to the person choosing to misuse technology.
You deserve privacy. You deserve control over your own accounts, movements, conversations, and identity. Asking for help does not make you weak. It means you are taking another step toward safety.
RADV exists to help survivors find the bridge to qualified resources and support. We are not law enforcement, attorneys, or a shelter, but we will continue helping people find the organizations equipped to walk beside them.
If you believe your technology may be monitored, try to contact help from a safer device:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Call: 800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text: START to 88788
Online: TheHotline.org
If you are in immediate or life-threatening danger, call 911 when it is safe to do so.
You survived. You matter. You have made it this far.
Your privacy matters, your safety matters, and your best miles are still ahead.
Riders Against Domestic Violence
We Are the Bridge
RADV.org