When the person you love tells you they are walking on eggshells around you, your first response should not be to defend yourself.
It should be to listen.
They are telling you that they do not feel emotionally safe. They may be carefully choosing every word, watching your expression or trying to predict what kind of mood you are in before bringing something up. They may stay quiet because they are afraid that an honest conversation will lead to anger, accusations, ridicule, punishment or days of silence.
You do not have the right to tell them they should not feel that way.
You may not agree with everything they say. You may not have intended to frighten, control or silence them. But your intentions do not erase the effect your behavior is having on someone you claim to love.
If your significant other says something is wrong, stop trying to prove that nothing is wrong.
Listen to what they are experiencing.
Ask yourself some difficult questions:
Do I raise my voice when I do not get my way?
Do I interrupt, mock or belittle them?
Do I turn every concern back around on them?
Do I punish them with silence or withheld affection?
Do I make them afraid to disagree with me?
Do they apologize just to keep the peace—even when they have done nothing wrong?
Do they constantly monitor my mood before deciding whether it is safe to speak?
If the answers make you uncomfortable, do not run from that discomfort. Let it teach you something.
Taking responsibility does not mean you are beyond redemption. It means you are mature enough to recognize that something needs to change. Real strength is not intimidating someone into silence. It is having the courage to examine your own behavior, admit when you have caused harm and do the work required to become safer.
That work begins with listening without interrupting.
Do not explain away every example. Do not call them too sensitive. Do not accuse them of starting an argument simply because they are telling you how your actions affect them. Do not demand that they comfort you because accountability feels uncomfortable.
Say, “I hear you. I am sorry that my behavior has made you feel unsafe. I want to understand, and I need to change.”
Then make sure your actions support those words.
Learn to step away before anger takes control. Stop using threats, insults, intimidation and silence as weapons. Seek individual counseling or an accountability program that addresses controlling or abusive behavior. Respect boundaries, and understand that forgiveness cannot be demanded.
Your significant other is not supposed to live in fear of your reactions. Love should not require someone to shrink themselves, hide their feelings or rehearse every sentence before speaking.
When someone says they are walking on eggshells around you, believe them.
Do not argue with their pain.
Do not tell them how they are allowed to feel.
Look honestly at your own ways—and decide to become someone they no longer have to fear.
Because love listens.
Love takes responsibility.
And love makes room for the truth.
Riders Against Domestic Violence
We Are the Bridge